i think i have lost and gained the same three pounds over and over. i havent been this dedicated to a diet for years. i put up pictures of me two years ago right when i kicked my ex-husband out of the house. i looked amazing, just about five or seven pounds away from being gross, where people would say, "are you okay?" which eventually happened but thats a different story. in those pictures i was just,"wow! you look great! how do you do it?"
diet coke and camel lights, suckers. and if you dont like it, get the funk out!
no alcohol on the weekdays, which has flattened my tum but has destroyed my social life considering i live in the land of the endless hangover. portland is like never never land for drinkers. the diet has made me rather reclusive, i dont want to be around people,because it usually involves food or drinking.
i am looking at a balding dude, maybe he's 25 or 33. he's at the table next to me in this coffee shop that is connected to a book shop. he is reading a graphic novel, and there is a cookie on a little white ceramic saucer. he has a bottled pineapple soda pop, a pot of coffee and a whole cup of cream. his flabby, toneless, white arms are naked, luckily his torso is sheathed in a sleeveless navy blue hanes t shirt. at first i thought he had a serious of small, faded tattoos, but upon further inspection it turns out he has a peculiar hair growth pattern. little patches all over his arms.
as he delicately nibbles his cookie, wiping the tips of his fingers gently on the paper napkin on his plate, sipping soda and cream, i find myself jealous of this chubby, probably girlfriendless guy, who might live alone, with his mom, or with a roommate that is more attractive than him and has a string of pretty girls coming in and out. no one has any expectations for this guys appearance. he isnt verging hot, so no one is saying, "god, if he would just work out he'd be bangin." and he isnt hot, so there is no speculation on whether he should be eating that cookie or not, and no envious stares thinking, "he can just eat cookies and look like that." no, if he eats cookies and cream, it doesnt matter. and when he decides to close his comic book and leave, he will probably have a double cheeseburger with fries, and a coke. then when he gets home he will probably snack on one of those costco muffins that are 700 calories. now i am not calling this poor guy a pig, not from what i have seen, like i said, he did nibble the cookie. but it doesnt matter because tomorrow he will eat 4 squares and the odd snacks and look the same everyday. nobody cares.
while i have had a this vegan "food bar", that barely counts as solid food, its like cat food taffy. and 2 cups of coffee. i am at once jittery and listless. that boy who i kissed at east end works here. he comes up to my table and places the cutest pastry next to my coffee. i sorta chuckle, because it looks so happy, all dusted with powdered sugar, its corners turned up in a philo dough smile.
"What is this?" i ask him.
he smiles broadly, "Its a chocolate croissant!" his voice is booming and excited.
"Do you want it?"
i debate whether i do or not quickly.
"No, i cant. thank you"
he didnt press the issue. but i did ask for granola with steamed soy milk. the shakes are passing.
my ex boyfriend brian was in town this last weekend. he sent me a cryptic message on facebook a few weeks ago saying, see you in three weeks. i asked him why, and when. but i didnt get a reply. after a couple of weeks i txted him and asked when he would be in town.
"friday"
okay, just to be clear, the tone that i wanted my reply to convey was jocular, not hysterical. okay? okay.
"why u comin? who u rollin with? wanna see me?"
"dont be so anxious its unattractive."
that, my friends, is called a txt slap. i was sitting next to my friend aaron, i started laughing, "oh my god, listen to what my ex just texted me," i told him what i said,
"and then he says, 'dont be so anxious its un...*SOB* attract *SOB*" i buried my head in my hands and wept heavily. NOW i was hysterical.
"Who does he think he is?!!! i am a human being! *SOB HICCUP* i have feelings, " i screamed.
i wish boots fit through cell phones. i wanted to kick him in the teeth with my docs, just like he did with his fucking txt.
"I have been in love with him since i was seventeen! aaahahahh! *snifffff* oh god! why is he so fucking meeeeeeeeean!!!"
*beeep*
i look at my phone. new message brian: "you wanna see me?"
i looked at aaron, i could see my face in the reflection of the window behind him, i look like i just came in from a mascara rain storm. "WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THAT?! Whiiiiiiy would he say that?"
aaron took a cigarette out of his coat, "i used to do that with all my old boyfriends, you bitch slap them with one hand, then with the other you bring them in for a hug. it really works."
yes it does. i txtd back, a totally attractive fifteen minutes later, "sure."
on friday i decided that i was going go out as if brian weren't in town. i have a tendency to hang all my hopes on one thing. i put all my eggs in one basket and usually end up with a raw, eggshelly, omlette on the sidewalk. but i have grown up a lot in the last year. not that brian has noticed, he like my older brothers, think i have discovered the fountain of youth, and spent my seventeenth year of life bathing in it. when i returned i was to remain pubescent for the rest of my life, also selfishly not telling where this glorious lagoon is located. oh, i can tell them, its in a magical shire, full of moss and mystery, right between their ears. but it doesnt matter, they wear earplugs that filter out anything valid or poignant that i say, and glasses smeared with immaturity grease that makes my every gesture awkward, gangly, and obnoxious.
he did call, around seven.
"Whats uuuup son!" cheerful but non-commital, is that attractive?
"Hey, whatcha doin?" he just sounded non-commital.
"just chillin at my apartment, what are you doin?"
"just chillin in my hotel room, waiting for my friends."
"where are you staying?"
"the jupiter hotel."
i looked out my window. i could see the windows of the jupiter hotel. glowing blue.
"thats right across the street from me."
"oh really? so what are you up to tonight?"
"not much, maybe we can get together and go for a drink?"
"i have to wait for my friends but i will call you in about an hour and we can all meet up."
"cool, come outside and say hi to me."
"i have to wait in the room for them, plus i dont want to just say hi when i am gonna see you in an hour."
"i see...okay, well let me know."
i hung up, then kris texted me. "hey, what r u doin? wanna get a beer?"
yes i want to get a beer, yes i want to double book. i told him to meet me at the bar across from my apartment.
"wait, nevermind, i only have five bux and daddy needs smokes."
"i can buy daddy a beer."
kris was already sitting in my spot at the bar by the time i got there. the b-side. kris looked good as usual. he reminds me of prince, except with heavenly hessian hair, and silvery green eyes.
i bought him a pabst. i used to be all about this kid. i wanted to impress him so badly. but tonight i felt warm and comfortable with him. electric security. i told him that i was having an egsistential crisis. i told him that i have been losing sleep staying up wondering whats wrong with me and why i dont have a boyfriend. that no matter what i never seem to be worth the effort for any guy and i am always just a friend or fuck buddy. i said this, then hoped that he didnt think i was directing it towards him.
i kept plying him with alcohol. he became more animated. he listened and gave his own jaded brand of kris wisdom which was comforting. i felt close to him, and knew that he really did have love for me. which is so much better than the love he could ever give me as a boyfriend. he told me that i would find it someday, and until then enjoy the time i have with myself. trite yes. but it felt true.
pbr really loosened his inhibitions, we were laughing and telling stories. then he kissed me right at the bar. in public. so not a kris move.
"lets go smoke then find somewhere to make out." oh kris. youre the best.
we paid up and walked outside. sheets of rain hitting the ground as hard as hail. he put his arm around my waist. we crossed the street to my apartment.
i turned on pandora. we took off our clothes and made out on the couch. he put himself inside me, i wrapped my legs around him and kissed him. then the mgmt song, "kids" came on. and i turned over, he said, "i love this song." me too" i was really feeling sexy and lighthearted, he fucked me from behind matching the beat of the song...doo dooo dooo doo....take only what you neeeeeed from me....doodoo dooo...
his hands were on my hips and i put my left hand on his, and the other on the arm of the arm of the couch for leverage.
normally sex with kris is quiet and clinical. kind of like masturbation. but we were drunk enough to let ourselves pretend that it meant something more. and it was fun. i could hear him grunting, and i just yelled, "krisogodkris. kris. oh my god. FUCK!kris. oh fuck. kris."
everytime we finish, i turn over and kiss him on the mouth. like putting a stamp on a sealed envelope. not that this letter is going anywhere.
we put our clothes on and kris asked me if i was going to meet up with my friend. i told him i was waiting for a text. it was eleven-thirty. i txted brian and asked where he was.
"wasted. mushrooms. some bar in se."
"whats the name? i'll meet you."
"my penis isnt working right now."
Did i ask about your penis? jesus.
kris said he would drive me, and if i didnt get a response by the time we got to his house i could just stay with him. "who knows, you might get lucky again."
i didnt hear from brian. god. he was right across the street and couldnt bother to meet up with me before he got this hammered. classic brian.
jonny was drinking beers when we got to their house. me and kris joined in. when kris went to the bathroom i kissed jonny. then kris came out and put his arm around my waist. this was fun.
kris smoked some weed and got weird. he went to bed and told me i could join him. i got a txt from the hot boy that i had been talkin to. his name is cody btw. he said, "so im nottt gona lie i am strating to leik you alott. i jus passd up a chanse to fucck some girl cuz idont wanto mess things up wih u. thts how good ofa guy i am are you proud of me babbee?" even tho the message was replete with errors, it still gave me butterflies. i told kris i would be cabbing it back.
i called a cab and me and jonny went outside to smoke. cody called me, he was hammered but cute. my cab rolled up and i said i would call him back.
"theres my cab."
"are you meeting up with someone?" jonny asked.
"no, i'm jut going home."
jonny smiled and quickly glanced from side to side, "can i come too?"
"sure,come on."
back in my apartment, i grabbed a beer out of the fridge and asked him if he wanted to share it with me. he did. he asked about my record player and put on bob dylan.we stood next to the speakers kissing while "hurricane" played. i kiss a lot more with jonny than i do with kris. we talked and made out. and took off our clothes. i ran to my bedroom and got a condom an put on some lube to expidite things. but i guess jonny didnt think that was going to be nescessary, he put my legs on his shoulders and buried his face between them. "why do you taste like candy?" cause i'm so sweet?
i told him i didnt know we were going to be doing foreplay. me and kris never do. but i didnt say that...
we had sex on the same couch that me and kris had only an hour earlier. i am surprised it wasnt still warm. sex with jonny is much more intimate. i guess because we have known each other since i was fifteen, and there is a mutual understanding that we dig each other and perhaps even love each other. oddly enough, we didnt start doing it till about a month ago. except for once last year when i came to visit him in portland before i moved here. jonny takes sex very seriously, he is always fully immersed in the act and is really in the moment. its viceral and connected.
i couldnt help but think about cody and how i told him that i would call him when i got home. also how he was "waiting" for me, and i was getting action left and right that night. i really like him, but he is 700 miles away, and not officailly my boyfriend. i still felt guilty though, we were calling each other "baby" and "sweetie" and we were getting pretty emotionally intimate. he says his goal is to get me to move back to slc. but i decided to be as present in the moment with jonny as i could. and that guilt was a wasted emotion at this point because me and cody havent made anything official yet.
when we were done me and jonny cuddled together, and that was nice. i dont know if kris knows about me and jonny, considering that they are roommates and friends that could get a little dicey. but if he did know, clearly there is an understanding.
jonny put on his clothes, kissed me goodbye and walked home.
if youre wondering how i can sleep with two best friends alternately, let alone in the same night, its okay, i love them both.
i called cody, he didnt answer. he told me the next day he passed out right after he called me anyway.
i went to bed angry at brian. how hard was it to find out the name of the bar? if he leaves portland without seeing me, especially when we are across the damn street from each other, he is out. that little flame i hold for him is flickering as is. he has always been disapointing, but never so damn rude. or maybe he has and i have romantisized the memories. i dont know, whatever it is, something is different.
the next morning it was bright and grey. i went to doug fir for breakfast. the waitress told me to just go in.
"i should just seat myself?"
"oh, i thought you were meeting people. how many?"
"just me."
"oh." she said sheepishly, and averted her gaze.
i ordered the eggs benedict with veggie sausage. not vegan, but i couldnt help myself. i was very hungry and hungover. i had a mimosa too, little hair o the dog.
i sipped my champagne and looked out the window. i was with two guys last night, and was supposed to be with three. and yet i'm having breakfast alone? does this math add up? Laney+3 divided by 1.5 = zero? times anything by Laney and you get nothing.
Is this right?
